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Booked, Line, And Sinker

I love books which make me think.

The kind of books where I don’t realise that I’m smiling, re-reading and reliving a moment, with an assurance that someone, somewhere else reading this felt the same emotions as I did.

The kind of books which make me hurt a little, like a nick by a knife and some which leave me with a pain that doesn’t let up for a day or a week.

Then there are books which I can’t go past a few pages, even if I try to read them repeatedly, only to return after a few days, months or maybe years later or never.

Then there are a few books which leave me with guilty pleasures, sighing, dreaming and hoping.

Well then, come the kind of books which need to come with a warning message , to tell you that once you read them, life as you know it will forever be changed.

You see, these are the books that unapologetically and irrevocably seize your heart, manifest your mind and thoughts without letting you know when it even began. It’s like a trickle of water that wades a path on a stone. When you are finally done, you look around in amazement because your world has tilted and you can never be the same.

Imagination knows no bounds and books are a proof that magic exists!

Which one is your pick?

What is real?

Impermanence

“…If skin marks the border where an I ends and a You begins then that night they did all they could to cross it.”

“Stories never start at the beginning. They differ this way from life in that regard. Life is lived from birth to death, from the beginning into the unknowable future. But stories are told in hindsight. But stories are told in hindsight. Stories are life lived backward.”

Here’s a book by a book about not just a boy who hears voices from non-living things but about a mother, misdiagnosis, how society bullies us, about Earth and the disastrous threats we pose to it everyday, the simple love for jazz, his late father and how we all stop living.

It’s a sad book that makes you laugh.

If you close your eyes and concentrate and listen.

Can you hear ? Can you hear those voices trying to talk to you? 🙂

⁃ The Book of Form & Emptiness by Ruth Ozeki

Corner Reflections

I had some time while sitting in that corner, how easy it was for you to smile, spread that innate joy of yours around.

I knew the truth though, that you were breaking inside, screaming really, as the pain just increased, the threshold waning.

Still, nothing changed on the outside, the birds continued to chirp, the sun made its way across the horizon, the people you call yours seeing nothing amiss, but I knew as you laughed out loud.

I knew, your pain was reflected in your eyes as you caught a glimpse of me.

I am you.

Tell me everything that makes you, you.

I want to ask not just what your favourite colour is but I need to know which colour reminds you of warmth and joy when your days are downcast.

I so want to ask if you’d want to share vanilla ice cream with me every Friday night for the rest of our lives.

I want to know what you’re thinking when the wall is staring back at you unmoving, but I’d always want to know what brought about that tiny crinkle in your eye.

I want to know why that song moves you, makes you sing along so passionately and definitely the ones that make your smile brittle and some sad.

I want to know what you did those long summer nights when the crickets called and flies circled around the candle-lit rooms, ghost stories or the bygone tales of the old house.

I want to know, surely do, if you felt like you were the wind when you cycled down those streets or jumped and made a mess when the puddles surely filled up after the rains.

I wanted to ask you though, all those times we shared a laugh, a toast, a mile, if you ever dreamt of me just like I dream about you ever since that winter night we first met.

Memories at Dusk

Take a moment, she said, close your eyes and think of the memories that flash before you?

The first time you dived into the cold pool, does it still cause you to take a deep breath as you remember how you resurfaced?


Or climbing that tree while scraping your knee, did it make you feel on top of the world, like everything’s within your reach?


Was it you clapping in glee when the boat you see made of paper not tumbling while moving with the gushing rainwater or covering in fear at night when the thunder reverberated around your house and shook the windows in your room?


What about the first pedal without the support followed by the first fall? Do you still have those scars?


The first crush, then many more, the first awkward kiss, oh the innocence of it all, do you remember those?

Do you remember how she tried and failed laughing at you, and you felt the first time the stirrings of what you later called love?
Or when you were pulled into the hug, wouldn’t let go, you couldn’t really?


Do you remember?


Do you remember how wonderful life is, do you?

Letters of the Unsaid

Last week the summer rains was the show screening, the sun and the clouds playing hide & seek, at the peak was the Sunday. It was hot, really hot just some time back when I’d gone up to put the clothes to dry in the afternoon but the clouds and winds had come into full effect to show what it can do. I went up to see the play, witness the storm coming in I thought. As I stood at the edge, looking around at the wind raging, the thunder calling, it seemed to resonate with what was going on in my mind and my heart..

I looked straight up and felt that I was at the centre of it, the pain I had no control over to stop because I know it’s not my fault but I’m there anyway, feeling everything and nothing at the same time. Something pulled me out of this though, a bark and a laughter. I looked over to my left to see two kids kicking the ball and the dog chasing after it on their terrace, not paying any attention to the coming storm.. I realised I wanted that carefree laughter echoing around me.

Then I looked a little up ahead to see my neighbours, lying out on their terrace just as casually looking at the sky too. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to look away. I saw their daughter playing right there and I realised I wanted that in my life. I know there’ll be struggles but it’s who you choose to struggle with, who at the end of the day, you want to come home to. Who doesn’t make it chore, even if it’s a chore. I didn’t realise until then, as the wind howled that I was crying..This is all I’ve always craved, you see? The intimacy and the bond, not much other wise.

I did look away to see what had caught their attention or caught mine rather

I saw the sun rays getting brighter even as the wind raged on.

I smiled, through the tears streaming.

Just like everything else.

THE DE-TOX

A lot of times, each one of us are uncharacteristically forced to go through the toughest of times, not once or twice but several and its always uninvited.

Do we roll out a red carpet and hold our arms open for trouble?
Some people would force that opinion though, the phrase ‘Asked for it’ comes to my mind and well sometimes it’s all in one’s mind too.

This is the way of life though, isn’t it?

Sure, it makes us that extra strong to fight that next inevitable battle, but is there ever a line that crosses that tolerance level that has been set?

All of us at one point do meet those Toxic people, who make it
Oh’ so difficult to breathe!
They berate you, lie to you, put you down in varied versions of them caring for you on their terms, make you feel guilty if you stand up for yourselves, impose their beliefs and point of views as the Absolute Truth, belittle you in front of others, discourage from reaching out to the other people close to you, push those away who try to help you and in most cases divide the social gatherings you are mutually part of and alienate people close to you?

Or did they actually do you a favor by weeding out these people who were supposed to be close to you and walk away at the first sign of disagreement?

This is where the Enablers to these Toxic people sprout out and make their presence known.
These enablers, encourage either by goading these toxic people to cause more harm in different ways. The worst kind, at times, are the mute spectators.
We see, observe, choose to ignore and let it go.
At what point do we call their behaviour out or do we ever?

The last: One can only play the victim card for so long and incidentally we are a villian in someone else’s story. The moment you realise that you are in the receiving end of toxicity-those Red flags you chose to ignore at first, the excuses that so easily slip off your tongue, the humiliation faced, all of it keep mounting the insecurities and withers away the self confidence with time.

However, you’ll know when it’s time to move on and walk away. Call them out, fight back, ignore them, it’s your choice.
Seek help, there are always friends and if not, there’s always help outside.
If you are an enabler, maybe just maybe, it’s time for you to try and stop when you see this happening the next time to someone else.
Being afraid of the repercussions that do arise by taking this stand has its consequences but it’s usually always a lot more difficult for someone else out there who could do with that kind of support.

Undeniably, the only person you have at the end of the day, is YOU.

Art By: Sanjana CK

The Cracks Within & Beyond

Those cracks you see and feel,
What are you willing to do about them?

Would you try to fix it or wedge something else in between, fill the space?

What would you do about those smaller pocket of spaces that don’t seem to heal no matter how much you try, always seeking and present akin to an open wound or a long forgotten scar that seems to come alive when it’s cause trickles in inexplicably?

What about that fire which sets ablaze on these cracks every single time you seem to find a semblance of normality; some peace but instead surrounded by a flood of incessant and weak links to drag you down and makes those cracks break more than before?

Would you even know what hit you when these cracks make you brittle and crumble under the unrelenting pressure and equally unforgiving in the trap you are caught into ?

But is it really such a bad thing after all to have these cracks in your armour?

Would you, however, accept to own these cracks and scars that ultimately forge you into something indefinitely stronger?

Would you then choose to leave it or rather learn to live through with it?

The Precedent Case

When I Fell for you, I fell hard and fast without a second thought, not realising what it would cost.

When I Fell for you, there was no one else I saw, there is still no one else I see.

When I Fell for you, and you didn’t know, every smile you showered at me was a win for my heart.

When I Fell for you, and you said you didn’t know and a No, my smile was bright as the sun blinding the pain that was hiding in plain sight.

When I Fell for you, it wasn’t a fleeting thought but something that is etched in my soul and doesn’t want to let go.

When I Fell for you, I tried to move on but I knew in my heart then that it never felt right.

When I Fell for you, and I forgot you for a while, I forgot again that it always comes back to you.

When I Fell for you, I try that much harder to erase you, to bring back the meaning to this otherwise everyday life.

When I Fell for you, I didn’t think it was going to be this hard to forget you.

When I Fell for you, I write you away to get over everything that overwhelms my heart and comes out as tears, leaving a trace behind.

When I Fell for you, I fell hard and fast, but how do I get over all this and make you a thing of the past?

Yellow, Wise & Neowise

As I wait, impatiently at first, for the comet that I possibly can’t see from my terrace and while this sinks in, the hope that I could still spot it dispels.

I start looking around and slowly the other things around me seep into my consciousness. Looking up at the stars,(they look so beautiful tonight), suddenly bring out memories that I’d long buried.
The dreams of a naive young girl.

I settled down in my favourite spot( near the water tank as high as I could reach :p), which was ignored all this while by the hustle & bustle of the life that took over,  the aroma from a kitchen wafting up towards me on a surprisingly hot night, distant sounds of a television in someone’s house, a dog or two barking, fading conversations, a whoosh of a car and then the inevitable honk, two people walking on their balcony only to realise a few seconds later that the other one is a shadow and a startling realisation that everything’s changed and at the same time nothing really has followed by a hard acceptance of truth that you are alone, probably a little lonely and that this is a way of life.

Although the uncertainty of what’s next hits me; just like the last time I sat here and had similar thoughts, I realised that if life has taught us anything in the last few months and years is that the foremost human instinct is to survive and thrive. The suffering of many, the magnitude is difficult to comprehend and yet we’d do anything to keep up the strive to fight and not go gentle into the night.

There’s hope.
There always is.

I sit here, still occasionally looking towards the horizon, there’s always a light to guide us back home, to melt that stone heart a little  which always seems to take the beating quite hard. Finding a reason to smile, in gratitude to all those fighting to ensure we are as safe as possible or the tune of your favourite song  or receiving a simple ‘Hello’ from someone whom you truly care about.

Also Coldplay, you always make the best music, are especially apt for these sombre nights; ‘Look at the stars, they shine for you’ and they do.